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  • A Slavic Christian therapist’s journey to motherhood

    Today is our firstborn’s “due date.”

    Forty weeks have flown by, and as we wait for God’s timing to bring our son into this world, I reflect on His goodness.

    You see, these nine months have been the greatest and yet so equally painful. Our son is a miracle, an answered prayer, and everything about this pregnancy was life-changing. From conception and breaking strongholds of infertility and multigenerational hatred towards children (despite being taught that “a woman’s value comes from childbearing), to casting out the spirit of infirmity and only experiencing one week of morning sickness, this pregnancy is nothing short of God’s renewed mercies that I never deserved. 

    God peeled layers of my “self” by exposing sins i didn’t want to pass onto my son, fear, desire for control, insecurities of motherhood, and loneliness during the transitional period of moving across the country.

    I never felt more loved by or close to God as I did, and I’ve also never felt more challenged to trust Him, either.

    Facing the demons that oppressed me and learning to relinquish my rights, desires, and plans has forced me to hit rock bottom in my ego to become the mom He wants me to be.

    These last three months especially showed me just how badly He wants to lead our family instead of us being in control. Time after time, circumstances arose that placed my husband and I in a position where we either had to lean on our own understanding or turn to God and wait for His direction. 

    Every time we turned to Him in surrender, He revealed how much He loves our son and has His OWN plans for Him that may look nothing like mine. That is the case for his position within my womb, the upcoming birth, and raising him for Christ every day after he’s born. 

    Dear one, this crazy, relentless, insane love called “Yahweh,” wants to do great things in and through us for HIS glory. 

    But do we want what He wants? 

    How hard are you willing to fight to keep your own plans? 

    How hard are you willing to dig your shoes into the mud of your ego and say, “No, I will not surrender to your will, Lord, it’s MY WAY, and you hit the road!”

    Dear one, take it from me. Protecting yourself by not trusting in Him will bring you more heartache than is needed to learn the lesson (and then choose to give in anyway).

    Don’t let your heart give in to bitterness when He doesn’t answer your prayers the way you THINK HE SHOULD.

    Instead, the sooner you realize that EVERYTHING YOU HAVE IS FROM HIM, FOR HIM, and BECAUSE OF HIM-(and has nothing to do with you), the sooner you can enjoy WHAT IS in the moment.

    For me, it’s this last bit of time with my husband and I and our dogs. It’s enjoying the kicks and twirls within me because our son will never be this tiny again. 

    What is in the moment for you?